Topic: Reasons for Korea's overall increasing suicidal rate
Topic sentence: Korea's suicidal rate has become one of the highest among the OECD countries.
Supporting points:
The originally homogenous society has lost its sense of belonging and the citizens are becoming individualistic.
Rising unemployment rate
Pressure on students within the competitive society
Being a homogenous country, Korea has long maintained its stance. Acting intimate towards other people and practicing the Korea' s culture of 'jung(情)' , Korean citizens had no time to feel lonely. However, after globalization, western ideaologies has begun to disseminate within the Korean society including individualism. Korean people began to become indifferent to each other, and the sudden change led to a lot of psychological problems such as depression. Additionally, the rising unemployment rate has filled the working population in despair. In fact, the unemployment rate of Korea is roughly 10% one of the lowest in the OECD countries. Despite the fact that all the job applicants are studying and working hard in order to get hired, not all of them succeed. Lastly, within the highly competitive society, students feel excess pressure from their surroundings. Acknowledging the low employment rate of Korea, students are always stressed out by their future. To be employed better, they tend to persue praticality. This decreases the overall satisfaction of Korean students. To sum up, the immense pressure on students and working population and the fact that people no longer are interested in their surroundings.
Hi Sue Min! I understand that the main point of your paragraph is why Korea's overall suicidal rate is increasing. What was interesting was the statement about how the originally homogeneous society lost its sense of belonging and the citizens are becoming individualistic. Your paragraph seemed very clear to me, and I agree with those supporting points.
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