Topic sentence : There are a lot of reason why students work part time job.
Supporting points :
1. make various experience
2. earn a living expenses
3. develop independence
Now a days, many university or even high school students work part time job. Usually, they work at restaurant, book store, cosmetic store and factory. Why students work part time job from early age?
There are a lot of reason. First, They can make various experience while working with different people and environment. Maybe, part time job is first social experience for many students. They can get new, rewarding, valuable experience with part time job. Second, they can earn a living expenses. Students regardless of sex have a lot of thing to want. For example, girls wants clothes, cosmetic and acc, Also guys wants new game or other electronic equipment. So, they work, earn the money, and buy what they want. However, even students who can get money from their parents work part time job because they want to develop independence. They want to earn the money by oneself without parents' help.
To sum up, students work part time job because of experience, the money and independence.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYujin Kang
ReplyDelete1.What was the main point? Students have part time jobs for three reasons : experiences, money, and independece.
2.What I liked about this paragraph was that you restated the 3 supporting ides in the end of the text, which is essential for concluding sentences. I forgot to include it in my first draft.
3.What struck me as powerful was your second point because I strongly agree with it.
4.What is not clear was the sentence in your first reason : part time job is the first social expreience for many students. Because in a broader sense, 'social experiences' mean all the experiences in a society including schools. So I think you need to specify it, for example, first experience of 'making money'.
5.The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this paragraph is specifying your supporting points. Your writing will be much more persuasive if you explain more about your supporting sentences.
the main point was There are a lot of reason why students work part time job. What I liked about this paragraph was making supporting points short and precise.
ReplyDeleteWhat struck me as powerful wathe first supporting point
What is not clear was second supporting point's example because i don't understand the necessity of dividing gender. and girls can want electiric devices and games. over all good job
the main point was There are a lot of reason why students work part time job. What I liked about this paragraph was making supporting points short and precise.
ReplyDeleteWhat struck me as powerful wathe first supporting point
What is not clear was second supporting point's example because i don't understand the necessity of dividing gender. and girls can want electiric devices and games. over all good job
Yeji Oh : What I like the most in your paragraphs is the first one because it is eye-catching. If you make the second paragraph a bit longer, I think it would be much better. For the last sentence of the second paragraph, if you turn oneself, into themselves, it would be better I think, Also, the first supporting point and the second one can be related and similar so it would be better to find some clear different details. Without those things, I think yours is well organized and clear, so it was good.
ReplyDelete