Outline
Topic : Causes of stress among university students
Topic sentence : University students get a lot of stress mainly because of three reasons.
Supporting points
1. Have trouble with adjusting to school
2. Too much money is spent.
3. Fear about their future
First draft
These days, especially in Korea, lots of university students are suffering from stresses and voicing their complaints to the society. And as the severity of the problems caused by the stresses among students become more and more significant in this country, people are gradually paying attention to these young people's voice. Then, what makes them so stressful? There are largely three related reasons.
First, It is because many students are having trouble adjusting to their schools. Universities are where people from all over the country, even from the other country, gather. For some, meeting new people can be a great pleasure, but for others, It can be the hardest thing to do. To be a real friend with someone you've just met, who is completely different with you is not an easy process at all. Drinking games are one that also bother students, since it usually require them to drink and sing in front of many people. Not only socializing with new people, but also adjusting to the study in university is another difficulty for students. It is because the classes they take, and assignments they must do get more harder than those of their high school.
Second, too much money is spent on the university. According to the survey conducted by the OECD, university tuition of Korea is the second highest among the countries in the OECD. Over ten million won of tuition fee isn't the end. Students need to earn their living to pay the rent. It is not surprising that almost every university students in Korea are managing both part-time job and study, which make them finally give up and lose hope.
Third, fears about their uncertain future give students huge stresses. Recently, Korea is facing a serious unemployment crisis. Even though they study hard and graduate the best universities in Korea, there are hardly any chance to get a decent job. As a result, many students take years off from school, delaying their graduation and study again, feeling a lot of pressure, just as others do.
Three main reasons that I suggested as the causes of stress among university students were having difficulty with adjusting to school, too much money being spent, and fears about future. A country where most of the young are unhappy and stressed out, cannot develop further. I want everyone in this society to think about this problem together, not to pass it to the next generation.
Yong-yoon Cho : I think the main point is '3 reasons Korean students suffer from stress'. What I liked the most was that you wrote second supporting point based on OECD survey. What struck me as powerful was the last line in second supporting paragraph.(...which make them finally give up and lose hope.) I think this kind of expression would emphasize the severity of the problem. If third supporting point have gone on statistics like second one, it would be more persuasive. But it is still obvious and well written. :)))
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